December 13th, 2007 by galadriel

Sometimes, you know in your head that the things you’re thinking are silly. And you know you’re being stupid by thinking them. Yet, you go on messing up your head because it’s the age-old “fight of the heart and the mind”.

And you need someone to slap you and tell you that you’re being incredibly stupid and you’d better stop acting like someone with an IQ of -2 for your own good. You need someone to say the very same things that your mind tells you, but you’re convinced only because it comes from someone other than you.

You need to be jolted into reality.

November 1st, 2007 by galadriel

Why have I seen some pretty awesome relationships going awry over the last six months? I know they’ve all had perfectly valid reasons far falling apart; but why is it that people don’t consider all the effort and time invested into a relationship before they make decisions as drastic as splitting up?

Does being together for too long bring about a complacence? Do people stop working towards keeping the “fire” so to speak, going? Does familiarity really breed contempt? Or does it just breed a take-for-granted attitude? How can time change the essence of the way people feel about each other? How can two people be in love at one time and completely out of it at another? And be in love with a whole other person at the same time too? Are people’s feelings so fickle and transient that they cannot endure a short separation of time and distance? Or even resist the temptation of yielding to fleeting distractions?

Is that what happens in marriages? Are they any different from relationships in terms of level of commitment and amount of effort required to keep it all together? Are married people together only because society binds them? Given a choice, if divorce did not have the social stigma associated with it, would they willingly look at it as a way out and end everything in a flash?

How do you save a relationship that is based on such unstable foundations? Am I being too idealistic in believing that the right person for me will understand and work with me when I’m trying to win a losing battle? Will he just give up and be resigned to our fate (if we are married) or end it all (if we aren’t married)? Am I not the one to lose either way?

Should I just completely stop believing in the institution of marriage? And in human relationships altogether?

I grope in the dark for answers. I wonder if I will ever get them.

October 28th, 2007 by galadriel

We met at some coaching center about 10 years ago. She was the exact antithesis of me. Fair, attractive, bubbly. It seemed like the world was extremely amusing to her. And I was the quintessential geek, head-down, not messing around with strangers. We spoke after class. She was one of the few people there with a halfway decent interest in books. Just as me. I was fascinated by her, she was so unlike me. Perhaps that’s why we hit it off so well.

Ups and downs. We fought and made up. And fought again. Swore to be BFF (don’t judge me, I was 15!?!). Pajama parties, sleep overs. Hot chocolate at 3 in the morning and talking. Just talking.

Crying on each other’s shoulders. Wiping each other’s tears. Hugging each other before going to sleep. Calling everyday to say hi. Coming over any damn time just ‘coz one of us was bored. Laughing at each other’s silly jokes.

Tasting wine for the first time. And hating it equally bad. Smoking for the first time ever. Coughing our butts off. Hiding the cigarettes and spraying deodorants so it wouldn’t smell.

Buying books together. Watching lame movies and laughing ourselves silly. Wearing each other’s clothes. And jewelry. Shopping for each other. Shopping together. Deciding what will look good and what won’t for each other.

Falling in love. Describing it to one another. Things falling apart. Not losing our minds just because we had each other to talk to. Losing my mind just because she wasn’t here in the US with me when I desperately needed her.

Gossiping on chat. On the phone. Missing each other desperately. Telling each other that.

Thanks for everything babe. I miss you. BFF.

October 12th, 2007 by galadriel

It was my birthday last week. I turned 24. Really, it’s not so bad. I can say with a fair amount of certainty, that I am wiser than I was last year.

I have learned a lot in this past one year. About living without family, living all by myself. Living with roommates and pseudo-living with friends. I have made some amazing ones there. I have discovered things about myself that I never knew I was capable of. And that’s not necessarily a good thing either.

I have learned the importance of companionship. And how it is critical to be amongst people after your own heart. I have become less of a cynic (I frankly don’t see why they are proud of their cynicism). I have learned to open up. I have learned to be more independent. And less so too.

I have discovered how much people matter to me. And how much I matter to them. Or not. I have learned that being alone is not so bad. Sometimes. I have discovered that there’s a difference between people being there for you when you need them and people being friends.

I have learned that some friendships simply can’t be salvaged. And some will never reach a point where they need to be salvaged. And some can just never be. People are never good or bad. They’re only what you make them out to be.

I have learned how much I am like my Mom. Without ever knowing it. I’m glad.

But I don’t want to grow up. Not yet. Not just yet.