February 7th, 2008 by galadriel

The laptop hums away merrily while you type line after line of code. It’s almost second nature to you now, you do it without thinking. To think only a year ago, you were a newbie, wet-behind-the ears, scared to death, not knowing a damn thing. You smile ruefully, thinking about those days, when there was not a care in the world, not a minute of silence or sorrow.

And yet, here you are today. In this very cubicle. Still at work at 10pm. Because leaving would mean taking your mind off work. That in turn would only mean one thing… Don’t go there, you admonish to yourself. But nothing can take your mind off the hollowness inside. A deep bottomless abyss, that knows no end. There is no escaping it and there’s no denying the fact that as of today, in this very moment, you’re terribly, terribly alone.

The thoughts come rushing, tumbling into your head as if flood gates were just opened and the reservoir that was splitting at the seams has had release. A turbulent one at that. And despite your instructions to yourself, there’s only so long you can hold off. You’ve already not thought about it all day which has to be some kind of achievement in itself. And with the thoughts comes the one question, the answer to which would probably put you out of this misery. Why?

The answers never come. All that comes is a feeling of fear, dread. Of a lifetime of pain and loneliness. Of a sense of incompleteness, of lacking, of inability. Impotent. Perfectly describes how you feel. You think of the number of times you’ve cried yourself to sleep. Cried in the shower, cried while driving to work, in the train, at the coffee shop, in the supermarket. You think of the number of times you’ve sat alone in your bedroom, with a blade in your hand.

And prayed for release.

For those of you who are worried, this isn’t about me. I was talking to a very good friend who is going through a very tough time and I could understand, having been through such exquisite pain myself. The memories came back and I had to put it to pen and paper.

February 6th, 2008 by galadriel

Why is it that you plan things and then they all go awry through no fault of yours?

December 13th, 2007 by galadriel

Sometimes, you know in your head that the things you’re thinking are silly. And you know you’re being stupid by thinking them. Yet, you go on messing up your head because it’s the age-old “fight of the heart and the mind”.

And you need someone to slap you and tell you that you’re being incredibly stupid and you’d better stop acting like someone with an IQ of -2 for your own good. You need someone to say the very same things that your mind tells you, but you’re convinced only because it comes from someone other than you.

You need to be jolted into reality.

November 7th, 2007 by galadriel

Following from the trend of a few of my clever friends, I am going to pen down a few thoughts myself.

1. Expectations lead to disappointments. Never expect when you know it may not happen.
2. Talking is not always a good thing to do. Some things are better left unsaid.
3. When people need to be alone, leave them be. Your being there may only cause them more frustration, even though you only want to help.
4. Do not let people influence your life so much that they begin to affect your mood. Never give anyone that kind of control over your life.
5. Never go to bed sad/angry. If nothing, at least blog about your frustrations.
6. If people cannot appreciate your actions, they’re probably not worth being done anyway. Or being done for.
7. People do not always remember everything they said. Even if you’re important to them and what they said was important to you.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m just frustrated from a few isolated incidents that have been nagging me for a while. Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t we all been here at some point?

October 17th, 2007 by galadriel

Loneliness scares me. Shitless.